What is open marriage?
Open marriage is a casual lifestyle adopted by both spouses in dealing with sexual life after they get married, that is, their sexual life is arbitrary and does not restrict each other. This kind of marriage is similar to dancing between men and women. If you feel good, you will dance, and if you feel bad, you will go to different things and find your own.
Before deciding on a more fixed partner, this kind of person usually skips with a few people. Where can they not practice their personal feelings? How to identify who is best without comparison? Such people generally don’t take marriage too seriously, let alone see it as immutable. Since they can get married, if they feel unhappy, they can of course get divorced.
“Open marriage” or “partner marriage”——It is to break the exclusive rights of “monogamy” to the body and spirit, so that both body and spirit can be “shared”.
Open marriage is very popular nowadays. Many young people say that they can accept this form of marriage. It is a very avant-garde form of marriage. However, many small partners don’t know what open marriage is. Next, let me tell you.
First of all, open marriage refers to the spouses adopting a casual lifestyle in their sexual life after they get married. In simple terms, their sexual life is casual and not restricting each other. In vulgar terms, it means playing their own ways.
This kind of people generally don’t care much about marriage. They have a mentality of getting along and leaving if they can’t, and they are very casual. Strictly speaking, this is a sign of immaturity. Since two people have chosen to get married, they still have to take responsibility.
Open marriage, spiritually and emotionally, has enough freedom to develop one’s own personality. It can only be said that there are advantages and disadvantages. Under this new principle, everyone can freely develop their individuality and benefit from it.
But traditionally, it is better not to do this now. Because no matter from the family or morality, it is not certain. Especially in China, marriage is a matter for two families, and we cannot be too casual.
A psychologist told me that his experience of open marriage.
“What do the Chinese think about open marriage?”
When I went to a foreign country for professional training, a psychotherapist Peter suddenly asked me.
In a hotel in San Francisco, we were sitting by the pool, passing by young girls in bikinis from time to time.
He said: “My wife and I have an open marriage, and we have a ‘date night’ every week——I spend the night with my lover, and I will come back to communicate with each other the next day. But recently I have some troubles: a Chinese girl is with me. The time together is a bit longer.”
Peter is white, in his 50s, and still maintains an enviable figure.
“Where is the trouble?”
“I have changed several girls, and I can’t forget her. Are Chinese girls very infatuated?”
“Are you infatuated, or is she infatuated?”
“What do you think I should do?”
“We all learn psychology, maybe you should understand how to do it.”
“No, no, no!” He lifted his head in pain, waved to me, and walked to the girl across from the pool.
Which of the three types of open marriages has a good ending?
After so many years of consulting, I have met many fans of “open marriage”.
The results of it?
I haven’t heard of a good ending.
You will know by analyzing it.
Active “open marriage”
Peter and his wife are both players in love. When they were 35 years old, they met and found that they were in love with each other, so they wanted to try marriage.
It’s 5 years to try it, but Peter can’t try it now.
After he talked to me that day, he tried to hook up with a girl, and the other party had already thrown his arms, but he was suddenly dim, and he still wanted to chat with me.
“What do you mean, try marriage?” I asked him.
He said: “I can’t really love only one person, and I can’t be with one person for a long time. After I love, it’s all daily trivial and boring. I want a lot of fun, a lot of joy, a lot of exciting games, but marriage will be like circling a mustang … ”
“So, you agreed that although you are married, you don’t have to be loyal?”
“Our understanding of loyalty is more advanced: if we like other people, we will tell each other the first time and be transparent to each other.”
Peter’s wife comes from a family with a particularly strong religious tradition. When she was a child, she had to recite the Bible with her father for half an hour every night. Only if she memorized it word for word, she could go to bed.
When Peter was 3 years old, his parents divorced, and he grew up with his father. His first impression as a child was that in a smoke-filled room, his father and a group of people played guitar and sang all night long. Less than 10 years old, he was broken by one of his father’s girlfriends.
A person who hates a rigid life, a person who always lives in a high concentration of emotional stimulation, they all have their own demons.
Peter’s father died of drugs in the end, so he absolutely doesn’t touch it, but sex takes its place and can help him maintain this highly exciting life.
“You know, I’m so tired of these love games, but I don’t know how to stop. We have nothing to say now, and I long for someone to let me stop, take a break, and make me feel safe. So, I love more and more That Chinese girl, but I’m scared.”
“What are you afraid of?” I asked him.
“I’m afraid that if I need this person too much, she will completely control me.”
In fact, we have been working hard to do two things all our lives:
- Fight against the demons.
Peter’s life revolves around trauma. As a child, how can he not need a quiet and warm home?
But he didn’t have such a home, and he had to accept his father’s life, which was always high to the extreme, and only in this way would his father not despise him.
On the one hand, he agrees with happiness, but deep down in his heart, what he needs more is happiness.
What he needs most is a maternal environment, so that he can relax and perch, without so much stimulation to cover his sadness: I want to have a home, a small place, let me shelter, let me be myself.
Those who declared that they wanted an “open marriage” at the beginning were just afraid of deeper emotional links, so they used the development of “superficial” relationships as a fig leaf.
Because they can’t face the demons, they will constantly put themselves in the game and self-anaesthesia.
Until one day, they can’t play anymore, and the other side of life will flip over——-they have to face a major choice：
Is it to start waking up, or to increase the dose of anaesthesia?
Passive ” Open Marriage”
Such a relationship is very common in Chinese-style marriage.
The general standard is like this：
- The couple belong to the “model couple” in the eyes of everyone.
- The two people talked about nothing and were very close.
- Only have no sexual desire for each other. (Maybe there was at first, and then it got lighter and lighter)
- Both parties and unilateral lovers outside marriage can satisfy their sexual desires, but they have no feelings.
Such a relationship can be maintained for a long time, but in the end, there will be a day of “breaking work”.
I asked one of the couples to imagine: in bed, how old are they?
The man said: “I am in bed, it seems that I am only 8 years old, and she seems to be my mother.”
The woman said: “I seem to be 18 years old in bed, and he seems to be a child.”
In short, in sex, they all have very depressive parts.
Unlike the first type of “sex game” “open marriage”, their approach is to put all the fear of intimacy in the “sex” world.
What are they afraid of?
The fear is the encounter of water and fire.
A man who had never been able to have sex with his wife told me that when he was 12 years old, once he was bullied by his classmates, he threw himself into his mother’s arms and instinctively sucked her breasts.
Suddenly, he heard his mother’s groan, and since then he has always hated her mother, and their relationship has ceased.
What is he afraid of?
Fear of his own desires, fear of having a relationship with his mother.
Because he couldn’t accept desire and wanted to connect with his mother at the same time, he had always contradicted himself in the intimate relationship, so he could only throw desire and intimacy to two people.
The wife he was looking for also happened to be a virgin woman. She had always been dressed very plainly, and it was almost impossible to realize that she was a charming woman.
Why “hide yourself”?
Because she deeply understands that as a child, after the mother’s derailment, it is shame to be blocked by the “enemy” and yelling at the door.
So they have all become victims of “sexual depression”.
They want to exclude the “dirty” of sex from intimacy, so that their world can not be destroyed and can always be safe.
But this separation of “sex” and “love” must be like a rubber band, and one day it will break if it is tight.
Once one of them has an “emotional link” with an extramarital lover, their relationship based on “fear” will fall apart.
“Fake” open marriage
“The husband cheated. He suggested that we have an ‘open marriage’.”
Many people will face such a scene.
There may be three types:
- The woman also tried to cheat, just to retaliate against her husband and try to see if her husband would be jealous.
- The woman also tried and found that the talent is the best, but in 80% of the cases, the other party is just playing, so the woman will lose love again.
- The woman also tried, but she wanted to transfer her emotions in this way, but found that it was a futile effort, and her heart still couldn’t tolerate others.
In fact, this kind of “open marriage” is just a repetition of the ancient “polygamy” system. It is difficult for the woman to be as “chic” as the man. The reason for accepting this “big house system” is only because she cannot do without this man and cannot give up. Marriage.
And after they tried, men often had the following three reactions:
- It doesn’t matter: He likes this kind of relationship with a very indifferent boundary.
- Be jealous: I can cheat, you can’t! The relationship gets worse.
- Happy: I finally caught your pigtail, so that my divorce will be easier.
What we need to open is our heart, not marriage.
In summary, we can draw a conclusion: “Open marriage” is not the “final version” of marriage, because its essence is the “low-match version” of intimacy.
There are two levels of marriage
The first level is “protective marriage”: protection marriage tries to adopt various “conservative treatments.”
- “Rationalization”: Marriage is all family affection at the end, so you can “bear hard”.
- “Drugization”: Since life is too dull, let derailment become our aphrodisiac.
- “Defensive”: Since the heart is really dangerous, dilute the relationship, even if the injury is not too deep.
The advantage is immediate results.
The disadvantage is the “marginal effect“. Although these temporary measures can save a moment, they cannot save the entire life.
Because no one wants hemiplegia, no one wants to contradict himself, no one wants to be chased by fear.
We all need inner peace and balance in life.
The second level is the “healing level marriage”.
- A truly powerful marriage can help us grow, let us repair the wounds of the past, and have a stronger self.
Many people settle down to realize self-growth only when “love is at an end.”
Some people are not so lucky, “walk all the way to the dark”.
The so-called “change your fate against the sky” is nothing more than whether you really have such a consciousness, stop and stop hitting the same stone.