Day: August 6, 2021

In the past, we were sitting in front of the TV with Dad watching the news, discussing the epidemic together, and saying to Dad: “Dad, you see that so many people pass away every day, it’s really scary”.

He just didn’t expect that one day he would become one of the death tolls.

Before dad be a COVID-19 patient, he insisted go to wet market to sell fish every day. He used to get up at 3am in the morning, and even getting earlier and sooner. Dad always mention, during this pandemic, many people are jobless and trying to find alternative way to earn money for their own and family, hence fish seller are increase and if late he must buy expensive fish for sell.

At the end of June, one of the staff from chicken department stall in the vegetable market was diagnosed with COVID-9, but sad the person in-charge refuse to inform all the seller immediately for next step. That selfish aunt eventually caused the elder brother who sells vegetables to die of COVID-19.

July 7th: We immediately took Dad to do PCR TEST. At that time, Dad’s result was negative, and our family members felt more at ease.

July 10th: There are people in one of the shopping centers was diagnosed with COVID-9 which is my mum working place. The company have arranged my mother to do PCR test and lucky the test result is also negative, so we can rest assured.

July 12th: Dad started to feel sick, fever and headache. My mum asking him to see doctor but dad refuse to go.

July 13th: At 8 o’clock in the morning, my father reluctantly decided to go to the doctor because he was sick, the high fever persisted and bone pain. The younger sister and mother also started to feel sick in the morning, low-temperature fever and dizziness. However, on the same day, my father and sister went to do the second PCR TEST, and the test result was positive. In the evening, my father started to be had hard breathe, also the second sister asked if he wanted to go to the hospital due my mother was worried that my father’s body would not be able to hold it. In addition, I saw on Facebook that the medical equipment, beds and others in the government hospital is already not enough to support for critical patient, some people must sit and wait. We don’t want my dad to sit and sleep in the hospital because my dad is already unwell, so in the end there is no arrangement for admission.

July 14th: Dad’s friend brought a lot of herbs to Dad. Dad’s feel much better after drinking it, and he didn’t pant. On the contrary, the younger sister’s condition look more worse, with fever, cough and vomiting.

July 15th: Dad cooked medicine and drank again, his condition suddenly deteriorated. Dad started to pant again. Dad’s blood oxygen index was only 88-89, because we had no medical knowledge and did not understand the importance of blood oxygen index. With this serious condition, we really regret did not send Dad to the hospital early for treatment until it became irreversible. In addition, also considering the situation at Klang General Hospital, no matter how much I want to take my father to the hospital, it has stopped. At that time, I saw my father panting, so I helped him get a massage. After the massage, my father felt much better and his breathing was much easier, but I didn’t know that my father’s symptoms were severe at the time already.

July 16th: After dad death, we noticed that he had sent a voice message to his friend, saying that he should really be dying this time. Dad said he was hungry and wanted to drink a glass of Milo, tried hard to walk to kitchen due he didn’t dare to disturb us because we were also infected. He always blamed himself at the time. Frankly speaking, we have not dared to send our father to a government hospital because we are afraid that our father will not be taken care of. In addition, our father cannot speak Malay and we cannot go to the hospital to take care of him. We are worried and helpless.

July 17th: Dad is not doing well all day, but he can still sit in his own seat in the living room. Our relatives have been giving a lot of suggestions, I was tempted, and will arrange dad for admission, but I still refuse to send my dad to Klang General Hospital. I plan to arrange my dad to go to other hospital for treatment the next day. In the middle of the night, my father’s coughing had getting worse with panting, and he couldn’t sleep. I also got up in the middle of the night to help my dad massage for the first round, he spit, and the sputum was bloodshot. After sleeping for a while, my father coughed and spit again, and the situation remained the same. I continued to massage my father until he fell asleep. However, I was getting more and more worried at the time. The oximeter was broken, and we could not measure Dad’s blood oxygen index. However, I had a very bad premonition, I knew that I would have to send him to hospital tomorrow. Having said that, our family members don’t have the basic knowledge that the coronavirus disease will cause the blood oxygen index to fall. We only know the basic conditions that can cause fever and cough. Really regrets for the late knowledge.

July 18th：The most disturbed and regrettable day! Originally, our family should get the first vaccine today, but we were diagnosed. My sister ‘s boss brought us an oximeter. Oh my god!! My dad’s blood oxygen index plummeted from 70+ to 60+. I am very scared and don’t know what should do for the next. So, I immediately asked my relatives for help, and they also borrowed an oxygen cylinder for us. Then we also arranged to purchase oxygen cylinders separately. Due to lack of oxygen, my father has begun to coma and can no longer speak. My sister and I called 999 and asked the medical staff to arrange for my father to be hospitalized.

I am very anxious and have been arranging many, many things. I already know that my father’s situation is incomparable to before. The ambulance came and the medical staff asked about our father. He has said terrible things, I have been sick for so many days, but I did not cry, even there are many things to be arranged at home, and I still dare not cry. But at this moment, I knew that maybe my dad condition is getting bad, and I really cried. The medical staff said that there are many patients in the hospital now. If medical equipment such as bed, oxygen cylinders and so on is not enough, they will choose to rescue patients who have a better chance of survival than critically ill patients. This means that my dad is likely to give up first aid. The medical staff also said that basically the current situation is that we want our family to choose to let our father leave home safely, so that our family can accompany my father to the end. If I choose to send my father to the hospital now, it is now the last side of our family. At that moment, our family’s hearts were broken. He let us choose, how should we choose?

Yes, we are decided to let the ambulance leave! I walked to the room, holding dad’s hand, and said, “Dad, don’t be afraid, nothing will happen, I will help you.” In fact, when I left the door of the room, my brain went blank, I didn’t know. What should I do, it’s that mean I can only ask my colleagues in the company for help? Correct, I really need my colleague helps. My colleague still suggested that I arrange for my dad to be hospitalized immediately. I said that the Klang General Hospital has notified that it may give up first aid. I can’t bear to take risks. I must let myself calm down quickly. My colleague said: “Let’s call different private hospitals separately! Please don’t think about the issue of money first and find a way to raise money after you find the hospital. At the same time, I very contradictory is my mother said our current family financial conditions simply cannot afford the expensive medical expenses. Private hospitals must pay a deposit before starting medical treatment service, and private hospitals have always told us that if we want our dad to be sent to the hospital, we must have a CAC certificate. What are you kidding? Dad’s condition is already so serious; how can he line up to CAC? There are so many people in CAC, and some people line up all day too, what should I do?

I am grateful to my colleague for selflessly helping me find a suitable hospital. After several hour, a private hospital recommended KL Hospital after knowing about our situation. I acted immediately and sent my father over…but he couldn’t walk at this time. The whole person is almost unconscious. I said to dad: “Please be brave dad, we will go to the hospital now.” Except for my dad, our family is all women. My sister and I let Dad sit in a chair, move it away little by little, then hold Dad and put him and the oxygen cylinder in the car. Fortunately, Dad arrived at the hospital safely. The front desk of the hospital collects information from us, he curiously asked us why we sent Dad over so late, because at that time dad’s blood oxygen index was only 28, which was terrible. I am very sad and sorry. Why do I have no in-depth understanding of what is Coronavirus disease (COVID-19)? How to self-rescue when facing an emergency? Why I never look the disease as dangerous sign? Why I’m so stubborn?

The doctor told me and my sister to wait in the quarantine area, because today is likely to be the last time, we saw Dad. From 8 to 10 in the evening, I kept thinking, the doctor hasn’t come out of the emergency room yet, does it mean that my dad is okay? Dad will get better, right? At about 10 o’clock in the evening, the doctor calmly told us: “Your father’s blood oxygen index has risen to more than 70-80. You all can also go home and rest. Don’t worry, he will be fine for the time being.” On the way back home, the hospital called to inquire more details again, and explaining that tomorrow should be able to transfer my father into the ICU ward. Fortunately, Dad persisted for us.

July 19th: My younger sister is still very worried about father’s condition, so she called to the hospital early in the morning to find out about father’s condition. Maybe the hospital hotline is too busy, exaggeratingly saying that after calling for a long time, she still couldn’t find the right department. But this did not make my sister give up, lucky star always with us, finally she manages asked my father’s number in the ICU ward and know about the progress of his father’s condition. My father’s condition has finally stabilized, and his blood oxygen index has reached 92. In order to let father, get a good rest and sleep, the doctor arranged for a nurse to infuse his father with sleeping fluid. Basically, he did not ask much information, but the doctor said that the next step is It depends on Dad’s own willpower. My sisters and I have been desperate for several nights, and today we are finally completely ill.

July 20th: Dad was awake on the 20th, but the doctor was worried that his father would feel constant pain and would pull the oxygen tube because of the intubation, so the doctor helped him to infuse him to rest and sleep.

July 21st-26th: We call the hospital every day and only get this reply: The situation is the same, there is no special progress. Gradually, I started to have an ominous premonition again, because in the past few days I have also checked and read a lot of information about new coronary pneumonia, and it also mentioned that if the patient cannot breathe on their own, the situation is very dangerous. At the same time, I also saw a report on Facebook introducing the symptoms of new coronary pneumonia and how the new coronary pneumonia virus damages the lungs and other body organs. I started to wonder if my father might choose to leave us. What can we do for Dad now?

July 27th: What will happen will happen eventually! The doctor has called and told us that we must be prepared. Dad’s condition is not very good. Dad relies too much on the ventilator. Now that the oxygen supply is increasing, his lungs are not taking in oxygen at all, which leads to a large loss of oxygen. When he was sent to the hospital, he had no problems with his heart and kidneys, but when he was sent to the hospital, bacteria kept attacking his lungs. Although it is close to the end of the quarantine area, the power of bacteria is still very strong. Today, his heart and kidneys have begun to weaken. Due to the lack of oxygen in the lungs, the heart will continue to supply oxygen to the lungs, leading to rapid failure. Fortunately, with the help of the medical staff, we still can see the father for the last time and talk to him by the way. We implore my father to take care of our mother with our sisters and promise that he will take good care of our mother. Our sister also said to dad: “Dad, if you are really tired, we hope you don’t be afraid. Follow the Buddha slowly, and the Buddha will take you to see your parents, our grandparents. In the next life, we will still choose you to be our dad, dad we love you”. After talking, my father had tears in the corners of his eyes, and his breathing began to weaken. We believe that Dad able to hear our voices. At this time, Dad’s blood oxygen index was 15-18, and we were mentally prepared ourselves.

July 28th: June 19th in the lunar calendar (the day of Guanyin Enlightenment), my father was very strong he waits until around 12 o’clock in the morning only leave us. Dad really loves us, he is afraid that we will stay up all night and wait for him, hence he chooses to leave at around 12 in the morning; Dad wants us to feel at ease, so he chooses to leave with Guanyin on June 19 of the lunar calendar, which is the day of Guanyin Enlightenment. In the morning, my younger sister and I ended our isolation. Both of us go to hospital helped my father handle the hospital checkout procedures and bring home dad’s relics.

July 29th: Cremation Day. That’s right if the deceased died of COVID-19, they must be cremated or buried immediately. So, Dad really left us today. Goodbye, dad, meet again in the next life.

July 30: We went to the crematorium to collect the ashes of our father, carefully picked them into the ashes urn we selected, and then went to the funeral home to do simple merits and Dharma. After that, we took my father’s ashes home. The amazing is that the FORTUNE FLOWER that has not bloomed for 4 months suddenly bloomed. I don’t know if it’s an illusion or a dream, except for the first 7 days (Chinese dead of calendar for dad), I think my father also went home the next day. Maybe he wanted to wish me on “Happy Birthday” by the way.

July 31: After we finished the respect ceremony, meanwhile the “entry into the tower” ceremony (to place dad ashes urn in the tower) ended smoothly and my father was rest in peace.

Love letter from daughter to dad